They come in. They go out.

Saw a really cute baby on ultrasound. Little belly pushed out, chin tucked just so. Sweet baby hand rubbing it's eye as we took a peek inside it's world for just a moment. Parents already falling so deeply in love...

I had to swallow the lump in my throat. For across town in another house a mother mourns the deepest of deep sadness as she says goodbye to her baby, just days short of the one year birthday.

They come in.

They go out.

I stood a long time and stared at the sliver of a moon tonight. So many questions I don't have answers to. I don't have to know right now. It just is. What is, simply is. We re-evaluate life in times like these. With a shake of guilt we squeeze ours a little tighter. We think about what is or isn't at the end of this journey. We hope. We cling to what we know. We pray to what is.

Again I am brought to that place of awe. I am reminded of the door I can feel open at every birth. They come in. They go out. It's just a door that holds the in between. A door that opens with elemental forces of energy beyond our control. Most the time a Midwife stands on the side of those coming in.

But sometimes not.

She still stands.

She continues to hold space as a guardian of these sacred moments.

While I am not yet a grown Midwife, and I certainly wasn't present for this baby going out, I light a candle tonight, I hold space in love and light and whispered prayers for the soul going home. May the journey be swift. May there be arms to hold you at the other end. I am certain the moments spent here, on this side will always be held  most precious by those that had the honor of holding you for just a while.

Gods speed little one.

11/20/2011

What a neat birthday.

As I drove at 5am this morning down the rainy dark freeway, I, once again, invited my higher power to attend my day. I had many reasons. This would be the first birth that required me to wear my big girl shoes and get a taste of what it's like to be a real midwife in the real world. It would also be my last signed off assisted birth. That's not to say I'm wearing my big girl shoes full time now, nor is it to say I'll never be the assistant again...but it is to say this birth, no matter the end result, was steeped with significance, for me. And, it's a really cool birthday!

I knew no matter what to first find my center. Find that calm presence. I've spent many days unable to center, unable to ground, unable to just. hold.space. My brain runs overtime reviewing vast amounts of material I have studied, rules, guidelines, protocols, standards of practice. I'm a thinker. But, I know that unless I stop and center my energy, all that knowledge means squat.

I managed to center. In fact, I felt a really calm peace over me as I pulled up to the house. Everything went as well as birth can go, and I got to catch the baby with my preceptor standing nearby. My excitement is truly trifold: I finished my assists. My preceptor was amazing in how her teaching was able to shift to the next level. And...Hello!!! I JUST CAUGHT A BABY!

I'm so happy to be moving forward. You'll have to forgive me as I find my way to blog while maintaining my ethics. I cannot and do not want to share any personal information about a client. It's a very fine line, and our community is small. I cannot talk about anything even remotely personal such as gender, baby weight or any details about a birth, which makes it hard to really blog emotions and give you insight as to what it's like to walk in my shoes. I can only say for today...that it was amazing and I am so full of gratitude and joy!